Mourning the loss of confidence under saddle

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/85e6b5_f1e2b8e1be82485d9e4b7b65c6947f33/480p/mp4/file.mp4

Cristina Tomas (Willson) and Fiasco (Olympic Country) 1999

There's not much video evidence. I was going out of town to horse shows without my parents starting at the age of 10, there was no one there to haul the massive recording machines around to take videos of me. And the odd video that does exist is on VHS.... how do I even access those anymore?? I got my first horse in 1986 and the horse in this video was my 3rd horse. She was 4 years old straight from the track. She was the horse I got after showing in the 3' hunters with a lot of success. She only had a few races on her card but she was big, young and nervous!! My coaches said that I wouldn't be allowed on her for the first while.... that never happened. What did happen was that I trained her entirely myself and in 8 years not only did no trainer ever sit on her, but I also never fell off her once. Not even at our first shows in the Baby Green division when she jumped like a crazed deer.

Our first two years we spent a lot of time on the ground tending to her injuries. She was long legged and wild. I remember a time that the vet called me at school to come to the barn because she had cut open both hind legs. We spent a lot of time cold hosing, hand walking and leg wrapping. But it paid off. This was the time she needed to build her confidence in me and for us to build our partnership.

We ended up showing across Western Canada in the 3'6" hunters and 1.10m jumpers. When I moved to Mexico, I tried to take her with me but that was insane! Too complicated and not realistic. She ended up being such a solid citizen that I was able to sell her to a lovely girl who competed with her in eventing.

Now, years later as the mom of 3, wife, small business owner and horse mom to 4 amazing horses, I can't find that ability anymore. I've also experienced significant physical setbacks... 3

c-sections, back surgery, displaced rib, knee injury and the awful effects of perimenopause. Add that to the karma that I feel that I am owed for never falling off that crazy horse ... my confidence is GONE! I cannot seem to find it no matter what I do. The brain still knows all "the things" and it also knows what my body can no longer do - so it freezes me up.

I've mourned the loss of my skill under saddle. It is a huge loss because it was such a privilege to have had the access to horses that I had. Not only did I have my show horses, but we had a field full of them at home. Riding came pretty effortlessly to me then and now the mounting block is my nemesis. Canter is a struggle. And jumping is a total freeze mode moment for me.

I am not giving up! I have faith it will click again one day... I can't wait! But until then, I am endlessly studying and working with horses on the ground. Again, I am beyond privileged to do what I do every day. Working with horses full time and helping them to move more freely, helping their owners give their horses the best life, and learning constantly is the same feeling I used to have under saddle. One day, maybe I can have both. Until then all I can do is keep swinging my leg over and trying!